I think I must be schizophrenic.
I seem to live my life in two halves. I behave in distinctly contradictory ways at different times and have problems harmonising these two parts of my personality. Should I be sectioned?
Well perhaps not but perhaps my dilemma is not uncommon and could provide a useful indicator of the health of our civilisation – perhaps not – perhaps I am becoming pompius.
When I rise in the morning I am very similar to a Cadavera. I drag myself around, shave, shower and drink tea. I do not sleep enough and so am tired.
I then climb into a car and drive a ludicrous speed for about an hour. During this time a sub personality kicks in. I am eager and alert. I do not understand why. Just a few minutes earlier I could have turned over and gone back to sleep.
I enter “the office” feeling like a character from Metropolis, walking awkwardly up a giant idiotic ramp from the car park to the revolving door entrance. I drink coffee. I stare vacantly at my screen.
After a short while my first personality kicks in. I am knowledgeable, interested and persevering. – Always in threes, always threes. By afternoon I am office worker personified. If women adored office workers the way they adored pop stars I would be Robby Fucking Williams.
In the late afternoon I drive home and my sub-personality kicks in again.
Friday night I unwind. I drink a glass of wine. I might work on some photographs. I might write an article. The thought of sitting in an office with a window I am “not allowed” to open just two feet away is so abhorrent I wonder if I am able to face Monday. My weekend is spent feeling as an outsider. Do I really work in an office. Can I ever wear shoes again? Do I believe in anything?
I am serious. I cannot decide. When I am at work I see myself as some decisive, opinionated expert. When at home I see decisive, opinionated experts as wankers. I enjoy the grey areas. The contradictory. The dream of “travelling the world and living more simply” – Yet by 10am on Monday morning I’m back in the rat race.
Can someone please explain.